Contributor: Anonymous 

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Monster name: "No"

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Self-sabotage: "

Keeping myself small and out of action. Usually by avoiding being seen, and avoiding the work necessary in order to be seen (i.e. skills practice for a certain task that I think will risk exposure of failure/inability). Disabling eating. So, eating that is unhelpful - overeating, eating unhelpful things, eating at unhelpful times. 

 

Also, letting progress fade, a diluted weak form of giving up, fear of change, fear of being powerful. What if I present / am myself as present and powerful and capable and worthy - what happens if I can't do it, especially when it counts, and I'm found out? Loss of connection - people / person I love walks away, because I'm not good enough and I don't have the ability/power to make myself so. Keeping myself disconnected and hidden out of fear of losing connection and not being seen."

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If it could speak: "'No no no no no no no no no', fast, quite quiet, out of fear, high anxiousness."

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It lives: "In my tummy/belly rolls, up my spine, behind my eyes, and in the corner."

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It came from: "I got the message when growing up that nothing I ever did was good enough. No matter the effort or the achievement. And I got bullied for being fat until I was an adult, which made me feel unworthy of love & connection and of being present and seen. I know No is trying to protect me from getting confirmation that I'm not good enough."

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It makes its human feel: "Small, teary, frustrated, almost defeated, fat, old, like I've squandered my opportunities, angry, raging, not quite powerless - I have the power to change things, but I'm not doing so, so I'm letting myself down, so it's my fault. In the drawing you can see it's sitting on my light, rapidly putting food into its mouth - and I'm dim/inishing myself by doing this, missing opportunities, not creating or sharing or joining in, not connecting, missing out on love and on being more and more *alive*. So, it's dimming my light, and diminishing me, and in Welsh, dim means nothing, and that's what I'm becoming through this, more of nothing and nothing more than what I am, which isn't enough."

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Its human would like to: "Quietly, calmly, lovingly, peacefully, go to it in its corner, sit with it, let it gradually ease off the pedal, let the frenetic activity stop, rest, release the grip on the food in its hands, put the food down, and now its hands are free take the light out from under it, into its hands. And we can sit there, quietly, calmly, peacefully, with it holding the light, relaxing into it, until it really truly knows that there's nothing to be scared of."