Meet the monsters
I'll be uploading a new image every few days
Monster name: "No"
Keeping myself small and out of action. Usually by avoiding being seen, and avoiding the work necessary in order to be seen (i.e. skills practice for a certain task that I think will risk exposure of failure/inability). Disabling eating. So, eating that is unhelpful - overeating, eating unhelpful things, eating at unhelpful times.
Also, letting progress fade, a diluted weak form of giving up, fear of change, fear of being powerful. What if I present / am myself as present and powerful and capable and worthy - what happens if I can't do it, especially when it counts, and I'm found out? Loss of connection - people / person I love walks away, because I'm not good enough and I don't have the ability/power to make myself so. Keeping myself disconnected and hidden out of fear of losing connection and not being seen."
If it could speak: "'No no no no no no no no no', fast, quite quiet, out of fear, high anxiousness."
It lives: "In my tummy/belly rolls, up my spine, behind my eyes, and in the corner."
It came from: "I got the message when growing up that nothing I ever did was good enough. No matter the effort or the achievement. And I got bullied for being fat until I was an adult, which made me feel unworthy of love & connection and of being present and seen. I know No is trying to protect me from getting confirmation that I'm not good enough."
It makes its human feel: "Small, teary, frustrated, almost defeated, fat, old, like I've squandered my opportunities, angry, raging, not quite powerless - I have the power to change things, but I'm not doing so, so I'm letting myself down, so it's my fault. In the drawing you can see it's sitting on my light, rapidly putting food into its mouth - and I'm dim/inishing myself by doing this, missing opportunities, not creating or sharing or joining in, not connecting, missing out on love and on being more and more *alive*. So, it's dimming my light, and diminishing me, and in Welsh, dim means nothing, and that's what I'm becoming through this, more of nothing and nothing more than what I am, which isn't enough."
Its human would like to: "Quietly, calmly, lovingly, peacefully, go to it in its corner, sit with it, let it gradually ease off the pedal, let the frenetic activity stop, rest, release the grip on the food in its hands, put the food down, and now its hands are free take the light out from under it, into its hands. And we can sit there, quietly, calmly, peacefully, with it holding the light, relaxing into it, until it really truly knows that there's nothing to be scared of."
No NAME 04-02-18
Contributor: Sophie Chisholm
Monster name: "It doesn’t have a name. It just hovers. In the shadows, watching and vibrating in a big, squiggly, ominous mess."
Getting stuck on a relatively minor issue thereby causing a halt to all progress on a given task;
Bog standard procrastination – sometimes just lying in bed for hours, sometimes persistent Netflix watching
Disassociation at unhelpful times;
Unreasonable fear of communication – making phone calls, reading messages, picking up voicemails;
Deciding I have already failed and so convincing myself it would be a waste of time to try;
Sometimes just not allowing me to push a thought through my brain;
Alienating people when what I really want is support;
Eating the other 17 biscuits and a bag of doughnuts because I already messed up by eating those 4.
If it could speak: "It doesn’t speak."
It lives: "Beside me, and half a step behind. But only sometimes. Sometimes I think I’m free of it. And then just as I relax it appears."
It came from: "I don't remember a time when it wasn't there."
It makes its human feel: "Burdened, a burden, a hot mess. Self-conscious, fraudulent."
Its human would like to: "Give it chocolate milk. Always chocolate milk and I still can’t work out why."
No Shell 02-02-18
Monster name: "No Shell"
Self-sabotage: "My monster represents my shyness and fear ear of being in the spotlight."
If it could speak: "I've lost my shell!"
It lives: "Amongst you and I."
It came from: "My deep-seated fear of not feeling confident amongst a crowd"
It makes its human feel: "Small"
Its human would like to: "Give him his shell back. His source of power and confidence that allows him to be himself."